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We're lonely. Why's it so hard to do something about it?

Published

6 months ago

February 15, 2022

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Young woman sitting at the bed and looking through the window

For single people, Valentine’s Day and the day that follows, dubbed “Singles Awareness Day,” is a scheduled reminder of loneliness, a feeling that’s been heightened for most during the pandemic.

Last month, TikTok user @angelicaexplainsitall highlighted the challenges of trying to conquer loneliness by taking herself out on a solo date.

“I decided I’m going to go the full year without using any dating apps, however, I still want to meet people,” she explained in the video. “It’s Friday, so I’m going to go out by myself.”

Throughout the video, we her followers watched her progressively lose her resolve, eventually ending the night in tears.

The video has been viewed more than 2 millions times, with commenters chiming in to commiserate.

“I feel you mate, it’s hard to meet people (these) days,” one user writes.

But if so many of us are lonely, why is it so hard to put ourselves out there?

Experts say it’s always been challenging to form new social connections, regardless of whether they are romantic or platonic. But after two years of pandemic-spurred separation, it is even more difficult than it once was.

“Social skills are like muscles, so you have to use them or lose them,” explains Camille Virginia, author of “The Offline Dating Method.”

After extended periods of separation, people feel like they are “out of practice,” explains Bisma Anwar, a licensed mental health counselor and therapist at Talkspace. The result? Increased social anxiety.

And while people want to connect, the fear of rejection plays a big role in why they’re hesitant to meet new people.

“The longer you’ve gone without reaching out to a friend, without talking to the stranger, (there’s) this fear of ‘What if they reject me?’ …All these voices (of self-doubt) come in, and it can be paralyzing,” Virginia says.

That has been further complicated by differing comfort levels for activities amid COVID-19. “There’s this extra element of ‘I know where I stand with COVID. I don’t know where other people do. It’s just easier to stay in my bubble and not connect even though it feels terrible,'” Virginia explains.

Anwar agrees there’s “much more nuance” to meeting people today than there was a few years ago.

“We’re having to deal with our own levels of anxiety and then also the people that we’re meeting and engaging with,” she says. “Navigating our own discomfort and somebody else’s potential discomfort (makes it) more challenging.”

While dating apps and social media are ways to connect with others, many people still desire new in-person connections.

Virginia compares only connecting with people online to “living off junk food”: “It’ll keep you alive. It’ll give that little dopamine hit of connection, but our bodies don’t register that we have connected, that we’ve gotten that innate, energetic exchange with another human that tells us we’re accepted,” she says. “We don’t get that over a screen.”

How to put yourself out there if you’re feeling lonely:

Take baby steps: For those dealing with social anxiety, Anwar suggests starting off small. Meet up with longtime friends first to “build up that confidence” of interacting again.

Make realistic goals: If you’re scared of rejection or scared of talking to people, Virginia says “don’t overwhelm yourself by saying today is the day I’m going to talk to 20 people.” Instead, make goals that are “a little bit scary, but doable.”

Pump yourself up: “I always love the idea of like positive affirmations… reminding yourself of your strengths, and also realizing it’s not just about how we look but it’s also about how we feel, and our confidence level,” Anwar says.

Pick the right setting: Don’t expect to strike up a friendship while grocery shopping. Instead, opt for social settings where people will be more open to conversation, suggests Virginia.

Engage with questions: “Start with asking a question (and) go from there,” Virginia says. This gives the other person a chance to opt into the conversation by keeping it going or opt out by answering and walking away.

Get rejected? Be proud of yourself: Even if your social outing didn’t go as planned, Anwar says to be proud of yourself. “You were not a failure. You actually went out and tried. That takes a lot of courage,” she says.

Don’t be discouraged: If at first you fail, try again. Even if you face rejection or uninterested people, don’t let it stop you from your goal. “Try not to take it personally,” Virginia says. “The more people you talk to, the more successes you’re going to get.”

Still having trouble? Anwar encourages those still struggling to seek out professional help via therapy, which can help you process your emotions and recognize triggers, making you better prepared for next time you want to go out and meet new people.

What is a platonic life partnership? These couples are breaking societal relationship norms

How soon is too soon to get married? ‘Limerence’ is part of the answer. What is it?

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